That Was Traumatic...For Me.

Today was my first day back at work. I psyched myself up all night last night, thinking positive thoughts, concentrating on the fact that it was only for a few short weeks. I started my day getting a Starbucks and continuing to repeat my mantra: It's only a few weeks. It's only a few weeks.

I was doing really well until I opened the door to the school. The tears were threatening at the first step in the school, but I kept my composure. My colleagues were really happy to see me back, and I was happy to see them too. But still, the tears were lined up. I went to my classroom and kept chanting my mantra.

Finally, it was just before 8 and I knew it was time for her to go downstairs. We have a nursery at our school so it's really convenient for her to be so close. I snuggled Nyla real close and gave her some kisses as we walked down to the nursery. You would think I was walking to my death or something with how depressed I'm sure I looked.

We got into the room and I just broke. I couldn't even help it. I feel like crying now just remembering how it felt. I cried the whole time I was down there.  I cried walking back up the stairs. I cried when I got back into my classroom. I cried at any moment the kids weren't focused on me. It was awful.

I don't know why it was so hard for me to be away from her. She's been away from us before and I've never had this reaction. But today was just ridiculous. It's not like I'm dropping her off at a daycare across town; she's maybe 1,000 yards away from me at any point in time during the work day. But it was just hard today. There's no other word for it. It was hard.

I was able to go down during lunch and my prep period to see her, but I'm not sure that helped my situation/mindset at all. It just made me remember how much I was missing her.

At one point, I considered just quitting my job immediately because this was not amusing to me in the least. But what good would that do, right? At some point in life, I need to stop being so attached to her and be away from her. One day she will ride a bus to kindergarten. One day she will go on a date with a boy (Lord help her father). One day she will move away to college.

I know that all parents go through this. Everyone tells you that it will be difficult, but that it gets better. I always thought, "Yeah, yeah it'll be hard. I'll be fine." Well contrary to my belief, no, I was not fine.

Tomorrow is a new day though. Maybe I will only cry in the nursery, up the stairs, and in the classroom but not while kids are around. That would be an improvement from today.