Reality Setting In

Everyday, I am so thankful for my Nyla being here in our life. I feel like we waited for her forever, not just in terms of the nine months of pregnancy, but I have wanted a baby for years. When Paul and I met, I knew he was the man I was going to make a family with and when we got married, we wanted a baby ASAP. It took us about a year to get pregnant, and now she is finally here. Life is good.

There are times though, like last night, where I am frustrated with this newfound life I now lead. I don't feel frustrated when she's pooping all over me, not when she's barfing on Paul, not when she's sleeping like an angel. My frustration comes (most of the time) in the middle of the night when she's crying or being fussy.

I don't actually remember the last time that I slept through the night. It was long before Nyla was born; I'll estimate the last time that I got a good night's sleep at when I was probably four months pregnant. Being pregnant and not sleeping was one thing because it's just me that I was dealing with. But now, not pregnant and still not sleeping, my reality is setting in.

Last night, for the umpteenth night in a row, Nyla was up every hour or so. I do the night shift because Paul works during the day, and this works for us for now. But last night, I felt myself becoming really frustrated with my life. I miss my old life. That's the honest truth. I miss my sleep; every new parent feels like this, I know. I see pictures of my family and friends going out for happy hour or just to coffee, and I miss being able to do that. I miss me.

Magazines and books tell you to anticipate this feeling of loss of self; what they leave out is that this feeling can sometimes be overwhelming. Last night, my frustration overflowed into tears. I love my Nyla terribly, but this being a parent thing is a lot more emotionally difficult than I thought. As a new parent, not only are Paul and I dealing with this abundance of love for this teacup human, we also are dealing with a total loss of individuality. And this loss is something that I am struggling with. I'm not ashamed of feeling this way because I know that I'm not alone.

I wish I could bypass this stage of emotional struggle. I wish that I could just turn off the narcissitic side of me because I know that it's just not important anymore. But that's hard to deal with. In terms of my life now, I am not as important as someone else. And a majority of the time, that's beyond fine with me. I love being a devoted parent to Nyla. I love changing her poop diapers. I love the fact that I worry about someone else more than myself. But that little voice, little memory of what my life used to be creeps in from time to time, and I get sad. I get frustrated.

What got me through last night is the realization that most of my frustration is being compounded by the lack of sleep. Yes, sometimes I struggle emotionally with being a parent, and it doesn't help that I'm not sleeping either.

But this is the life that I have wanted and have waited for. I feel better now having gotten this off of my chest. Now I need to go get my squirmy little turkey and snuggle.  That's something that always makes me feel better.